O'bituary Notice

In loving memory of Patrick James Finnegan

Beloved husband and devoted father Patrick James Finnegan, 45, of South Boston, departed this life last week on the sidewalk just down the street from Memorial Hospital. He died of multiple injuries sustained in a head-on collision with a lamp post. Fortunately no vehicles were involved, and owing to the lateness of the hour no one else was hurt in the tragic mishap.

Finnegan was born in County Tipsy, Ireland, and sailed to America on a dare at age 17. He has resided in South Boston ever since. Local bartenders and police officers describe him as a tirelessly outgoing lad who was always eager to make new friends, provided they were already running a tab. The echo of Finnegan's hearty laugh and loud tenor voice were well known to neighbors whose windows open onto alleyways throughout the quarter.

Though never actually employed, Finnegan's wife Morag says he went on constantly about his dream of one day opening and managing a successful distillery network. He was actively involved in market research for this business endeavor at the moment of his untimely death.

Besides his wife Morag, Mr. Finnengan is survived by four of his eleven brothers: Eenie, Meenie, Minie and Morris. Alas, none of the siblings has the benefit of a middle name, as the state of family finances back in County Tipsy kept such luxuries out of reach. He also left behind thirteen loving children, all of whom have had to share one middle name between them. Mrs. Finnegan asks that their names be withheld out of respect for their privacy.

Friends and relatives are invited to take part in Finnegan's Wake. Owing to the impressively high alcohol content of his body, his general appearance and smell have remained very much the same as before the accident, so his earthly remains will be presented for one last public viewing. His widow asks that attendees kindly refrain from propping Paddy up against the bar, no matter how funny this notion might seem at the time.